journal entry follow up

I will Trust In God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ 

I will not fear

I will not stress

I may not be in a position to change a lot of things about my circumstances.

1. I have MGUS which has a chance to turn into Blood Cancer
2. I don't have my dream job or the financial freedom that I crave
3. I don't have a lot of stamina.

It does not serve me to be angry at GOD

It does not serve me to obese w/knowing everything about MGUS and stressing over it. 

I need to know enough to be informed but I do not need to obsess.

It does not serve me to be envious of other people

It does not serve me to feel sorry for myself

It does not serve me to live for the future

It does serve me to walk in Gratitude for everything I do have!

It does serve me to accept my life as it is now and not fight again the current.

What can I do now?

1. Journaling
2. Trust in God in spite of my circumstances I can't see. I'm blind and I can't see the path that is before me but God does (this is actually #1)
3. gentle yoga
4. pranayana breathing
5. practicing gratitude
6. Trust that through God I have to strength to deal with any life circumstance. God will provide even if I cannot understand in the moment
7. Accept that I have fatigue and be kind to myself. Its okay.
8. Its okay to veg out and watch tv....its not something you need to "earn" 
9. Stop "striving"  let go of "hoping for the future"
10. sleep more
11. Drink more water

journal entry

TODAY I'm Grateful for:

1. Having enough energy to practice adobe illustrator at my desk this morning
2. Not having an IBS flare up
3. My healthy Cat
4. Peppermints
5. My overall health
6. My brother
7. Yoga
8. my computer and beside table desk.

My day job required that I sit at a desk for 8 hours. I get the standard 45 min break w/one 15 min break, plus a few bathroom breaks in-between. I'm thankful that I am able to work from home even if its not my dream job and I'm just scrapping by. (gratitude)

I've noticed since I've been working at home I've had the worst posture and back pain of my life. Now I realize its because my desk is too high. 

For months my shoulders have been rising towards my ears and my upper body has been slumped over. ugh! now I have back pain and my upper body most comfortable position it slouched over.

I'm going to try to get back into yoga. Since my anemia does not allow me to do a strenuous workout

maybe I can do some gentle yoga for my back and flexibility. Sitting behind a desk for long periods of time is bad for a persons general health.

I've been a bit annoyed with God lately. I know it's a stupid position to put myself in, and its pointless.

In many ways I've very lucky and I'm thankful for all that I have. 

It just makes me sad that I don't have the career I hoped to have. And now with this fatigue I'm steadily losing hope.

I'm trying to embrace the things that I can still do at the moment. 

I can journal and do gentle yoga. 

It does not help me progress in life, its just a way for me to pass the time.

Which leads me back to being a bit depressed about the dead end-ness of my life.

       My life is literally a dead end.

 

I was able to finish an art tutorial yesterday. So I feel a bit accomplished.